Hard

I had to take Dumplin to see his mother.  In a facility.

I didn't want to.  I was required to.

I got him up early and got him fed.

We arrived at the facility early and had to wait on the caseworker to arrive before we were allowed in.

When we finally got inside, we were put into a room.  For about 2 minutes.  Then someone came and escorted us to another room.  A breakroom.  Not a formal visitation room.

I couldn't allow Dumplin out of my lap.  Crawling on this dirty floor isn't my idea of good parenting, so I held him.

It was 45 minutes before his mom came in.  She was thrilled to see him...and she wanted to hold him right away.

Hard = He didn't want anything to do with her.  I can't imagine.

She forced smooches on him.  She tried to get him to calm down and sit with her.  He was bucking and fussing.  She finally said, "I don't want to give him back, but I don't want him to be like this either."  She handed him back to me.  I won't say he settled down completely, but he was better.  At this point, he had been awake longer than normal and not allowed to get down to explore.  He wasn't in the best of moods.

We talked with the caseworker all the while.

We discussed the TPR (termination of parental rights) situation.  Mom asked, "When this part is done, will I ever get him back?"  The answer is no.  TPR is final.  Once it's done, we can adopt him.  I told her that we'd keep him in a minute.  She started to weep.  I continued on, saying,  he won't be bounced around.  He'll be with us permanently.

Hard =  Watching her realize that her choices have brought us here...and she's losing her son.

The conversation with the caseworker was partly a recollection of events from May.  Mom was to attend a crucial, decision-making meeting.  She didn't show up.  Other things happened, and in the end, she made a choice.  That choice brought us here.  That choice drove the caseworker to file the TPR.  That choice gave us all an idea of mom's priorities.  The priority wasn't her son.

Hard =  Mom asking if this would be the last time she'd see her son.

I told her that I wouldn't do that to her.  The caseworker spoke up and said, 'Mrs. has always said she'd work with you.  Even when you were set to get him back, Mrs. said she'd support you and help you with him.  Do you remember that?  Mom said she did. 

I started to weep.  I looked her in her eyes and told her that none of this is what I wanted for her.  I had cheered for her, supported her.  I had taken her son to see her every Sunday afternoon thinking it would be the encouragement she needed to make it where she needed to be.  She said she knew this.  I pulled it together and said, "Now is the time where we all need to focus on him.  What's best for him.  He has been with us for nearly 18 months...he's home.  We love him.  He's well cared for."  She said she agreed that he's in a good place.   I believe she even uttered the words, "I know he belongs with you."

I told her we could work out visitation as long as she is healthy.  She accepted that...and then she added, "If I'm ever messing up again, don't let me see him."

Hard =  Knowing that someone's past pattern of behavior limits their thinking.  She can't seem to fathom a life where there is no relapse.  I desire for her to be healthy. 

That is the only way she will be a part of Dumplin's life.

God has given us the opportunity to pick up the pieces she has broken.  It will be our job to protect him.

You can believe we will do our best.

There will be more visits.

Hard = Taking a baby to a facility.  Taking a baby to visit a person he doesn't know.  Taking a baby to visit a person who won't get to be his mom again.   Please tell me the point of this...

I seriously feel as if the state is making me wave this baby in front of her face for no reason.  If she can't have him, won't this just make it worse for her?

Until TPR is final, I will be required to see her twice a month.

Tonight is visit number two for November.

There are many things I'd like to say....praying that God will give me the right words....if the time is right.